A picture is worth a thousand words

Pictures have always played a big role in my family's life. My Grandpa was an avid photographer and had a collection of albums that were among his most prized possessions. I can still see him, clear as day, walking towards me with his camera strung around his neck, ready to capture one of our sports highlights, team pictures, shots with friends and family. We often teased him about his hobby (especially when he would send his film through the mail because it was a whole $1.50 cheaper than bringing it to the store). He didn't always get the best shots, but he did have a knack of knowing every individual's name in the pictures and keeping an organized album.

My Grandpa passed this hobby on to my Mom. You can always count on my Mom to have her camera with her and she develops the film as fast as she takes the pictures (this is where she differs from my Grandpa). Perhaps her favorite thing about taking photos is taking her pictures and turning them into personalized gifts, keepsakes or as a gesture to share memories with her friends and family. I really admire her keen sense of knowing what pictures tell the best story or represent the true character of a person.

So, it shouldn't have surprised me when my Mom recently made copies of Hannah's school pictures from her preschool photos all the way through her current second grade photo. She put the pictures side by side and commented on how the pictures really showed Hannah's story-- the progress she has made on her journey with SM. As we looked at the photos lined up together, it was almost like looking at one of those cartoon books where if you flip each page fast enough, it looks as though the character is actually moving. The variation in Hannah's pictures reminded me of this.

After my Mom left, I realized it was hard for me to look back at Hannah's earliest school photos-- they bring back a flood of memories of our early years of trying to understand and figure out what was going on with Hannah. They make me melancholy and a little sad to think of her looking back on these photos some day and wondering why she looked so sad.

For those of you who are not as familiar with Selective Mutism- children with SM often have trouble making eye contact and/or smiling for a photo (especially if they do not know the picture taker or if they are in one of the environments they are uncomfortable in). For Hannah, school was and still is the environment in which she struggles most and, therefore, any pictures taken in those early years were non-smiling ones.

As my eyes traveled to that first preschool picture, I immediately went back in time to that day-- I remember it well-- Hannah all dressed up in a cute red and white Scottie dog outfit with a white bow in her hair- the photographer posed her and had her sitting there on a chair. "Smile!" said the photographer. When Hannah didn't respond, the photographer pulled out his bag of tricks and tried endlessly to get her to respond/giggle/smile. Hannah sat stone faced, her lips frozen shut and not a hint of a smile....even her pretty blue eyes sat expressionless. The photographer turned to me and shrugged his shoulders as if to say, "are we done?" and I simply smiled and shook my head and said "I think we are." I left that photo shoot deflated and mystified at how my precious little three year old, the one who was so spunky, observant and cheerful at home and when she was with family and friends, could sit so solemnly and be so expressionless. I was sad that her very first school picture would be one in which she looked unhappy and anxious.

As hard as it is to look at some of Hannah's earliest school pictures, they are a part of her story and demonstrate how far she has come. After the major breakthrough we had this summer, I am happy to report that Hannah smiled for the first time ever in a school picture this year (her second grade picture)! I believe that this picture will be forever remembered by all of us closest to Hannah as the "breakthrough" year for her. Her smile this year reflects the hurdles she has overcome and the progress she continues to make on a daily basis. This smile lets her spirit shine through and expresses that she is finally ready to let the outside world in. I could not be prouder of her than I am when I look at this picture.

A picture is worth a thousand words.