Go Toward the Fear

Isn't it odd how in the span of one week you can receive the same message over and over until you finally realize- oh, maybe the universe is trying to get my attention?

In the last week......here are some repeat messages I have received in varying forms from different messengers.



1. In my writing group last week, my friend J, said "go toward the fear"- this stuck with me all week.

2. Pastor G gave a sermon about Luke and used a simple fishing analogy on Sunday. He reminded us that fishing in the shallow end may be safe, but is limiting- but when you go fishing in the deep end, while risky, your reward could be huge. He charged us with "doing one thing a day that scares you."

3. A couple times this week Hannah has read and repeated the following saying that is on a framed poster in our house- "do one thing a day that scares you". Perhaps Pastor G has seen this poster? Trust me, she wasn't listening to his sermon.

4. I watched the Hallmark movie "Head of the Class" and it was about a real life story of a man with Tourett's Syndrome. He had thought and been told he could never be a teacher because it would be too distracting to students, but he applied anyway, and in the end taught his 2nd grade students so much more than math,reading-- he taught them about perseverance and facing fears-taking a risk. I balled my eyes out - darn Hallmark.

To the point- how often do we all trudge through life and keep going on in the same direction as the day before? Do we take enough risks? Do we face fear head on and live through the emotions, feelings and uncertainties that come our way? "What we resist persists" is the old saying. Going toward fear can mean facing whatever fear is holding you back- limiting you in some way. Some of us will immediately know what those fears are and others may have to take a deep breath and 'go deep' to know what they are.

Of course, Hannah comes to mind as I sit here and write this blog about facing fears. Talk about going toward fear. For a child with SM, every day presents that opportunity. The root cause of Selective Mutism is anxiety- a fear of speaking in certain situations, a fear of what others will say or how they will respond once they do speak, a fear of whether they are doing something right (perfectionist). These fears take hold and the child goes silent. The longer they live and accept this silence as a way to function/deal with their anxiety and their fears the harder it is for them to see a way out of it. This is also true for the rest of us- whatever our fear- the fear takes control and we feel powerless or paralyzed to face the fear.

In a few more weeks our beloved therapist, Melissa, will make the trip from NY to MN to work with Hannah again. This week will be alot of 'going toward fear' for Hannah. The classroom has always been the toughest place for her- yet, I think now that she has made so many strides this year outside of school and now in certain areas of school (recess, lunch, hallways), we are nearing the big hurdle of the classroom. The best part is, when I ask Hannah about Melissa coming back and if she is ready- she says yes. She is looking forward to it- she doesn't say it in those words, but I can see it in her face and feel it in her heart, that she is ready to go toward the fear.

It is so surreal- in some ways I feel like my 7 year old daughter is MY teacher- this wise old soul who was born to me as a gift to help me grow and expand in ways I never could have without having helped her through SM. In helping her release her fears and find her voice, she is effectively helping me release my fears and find my voice. We are going through this together. I am grateful.

Go toward the fear. Hannah, I will hold your hand all the way- if you promise to hold mine.

(1985 Pee Wee Football- Danbury,CT- looking at the picture I am 2nd from the right in the back row)

When I was 10 years old, I tried out to be a Pee Wee Football Cheerleader. For the weeks leading up the tryouts I diligently practiced cheers, jumps, splits and cartwheels behind the bleachers, where my mom sat watching my brothers baseball game. I imagined the pride I would feel putting on that coveted cheerleader uniform- yellow sweater, pleated maroon skirts, nude nylons, maroon leg warmers, and the those white and maroon saddle shoes. For added flair, I would put my hair in a side ponytail (not to be confused with pig tails or a straight pony tail). Finally, those pom-poms, one in each hand, would be mine- all mine!!

When I made the team, I literally leaped for joy. I couldn't wait to learn and absorb everything from Stephanie, our coach, who looked like your iconic 80's twenty-something- her feathered hair was reminiscent of Farah. She not only looked good but ran a tight ship in her role as coach. Looking back, it appears that the adults took 5th grade Pee Wee football and cheerleading as seriously as the kids.

In the coming months, I would learn alot about how to be a Pee Wee cheerleader. I learned how practice makes perfect, how to play to each others strengths, what cheers were appropriate based on the status of the game and ultimately how to make my voice heard amongst all the other girls. In our minds, our voices and cheers were vital to the success of our team. We were there to support, encourage, nudge the players and the fans, taunt the visiting team and remind everyone that we were steadfast, determined and we were the TROJANS and would not be defeated!

I have come to realize the role of a cheerleader is not so much different from that of an advocate. I now understand through our journey with Selective Mutism that being an advocate is a part of my job as a mom. Along the way, I have learned how to network, work with people in a variety of roles, educate and ultimately influence and advocate in Hannah's best interest.

As any parent knows, there is a very fine line between advocating and pushing too hard to the point of stepping on people's toes and/or egos. Just like I could have never anticipated that I would be older than my children's teachers, I could not have predicted just how hard it is to walk that fine line. The reality is, no one knows my child better than me, and while I will try my hardest to be respectful and appreciative, I will also not back down in my fight to get Hannah the support and services she needs to be most successful in school. My job as her advocate, her cheerleader, is to encourage not only her, but to motivate school personnel to take the time to learn more about SM, use their creativity to create goals/rewards in the classroom, and to learn the difference between enabling and having the expectation to speak.

Sometimes I long to go back to those 10 year old cheerleader days. Being an advocate is a lot less clear cut and highly under appreciated--most people don't know the behind the scenes work that is involved in educating, bringing awareness to the school and community about SM. There is so much work to be done in this regard. I dare to say that teachers have a hard time understanding the parents perspective- how hard it is to help your child (when you can't be in the classroom all day) and you are leaving it in their hands to help your silent child who is missing so much by not being able to participate in discussions and question/answer and so much more. I remain puzzled at how hard I have had to work to get school administration to get on board with the fact that Selective Mutism does indeed impact Hannah's ability to thrive in a classroom both academically and socially.

So, for all these reasons above, I will continue to advocate. I will cheer Hannah on. I will put faith that putting my voice out there will inevitably help to release Hannah's voice. I will be grateful for the fact that when I was 10 I had a voice and was able to set it free daily in the classroom and in cheerleading. I will smile when my efforts result in Hannah's voice being set free.

Inserting a presentation/overview of SM that I just sent off to school today:

http://webdoc.nyumc.org/aboutourkids/files/pages/assets/sm_homeschool_therapist_collab.pdf