Silent Night

This Sunday was the Christmas program at our church. Both Hannah and Jake were set to perform in the program and knew what was expected of them. Christmas outfits were ready to go and we were out the door to the 10:30 service.

There was a buzz and excitement in the air as families gathered to take their places-- waiting to see their little ones perform the once a year Christmas show. Pastor G had to ask for everyone to "let go of their personal space" so as to fit everyone in the pews. There was almost a collective sigh in the crowd as everyone found their seats, turned their phones off and got their cameras ready.

Jake was the first to perform, he went up with the other Kindergartners. He sang his songs, did the hand motions, and being that this was his second 'performance' this week, he appeared to go through the motions quite effortlessly. He came back to the pew without a care in the world and waited for his sister to take the stage.


Hannah walked up to the stage. She took her spot on the end of the first riser. Her body was stiff and she shifted, noticeably not at ease, with the several hundred people in the audience.....but she did take the stage! She looked so beautiful in her red sweater, silver skirt and freshly combed hair. As I looked at her, I found myself thinking of how one of the first things I noticed about Hannah as a baby was her beautifully shaped lips. As I look at her lips this morning, I notice they are clenched tight, a sure sign her anxiety has kicked in and will hold her voice hostage until the performance is over.

I catch Hannah's eye and want to wave my hands back and forth like all the other parents but I catch myself and stop-- yes, she wants to know where we are in the audience, but no, she does not want me calling attention to ourselves and certainly not to her. I go back to the day in preschool Hannah pulled me aside and said (prior to her first show there) "mommy- can you please sit in the back and please don't watch me, OK?") This goes against all instincts as a proud mother-- I want to sit up front and center, smile, wave and cheer her on. If there is one thing I have had to learn on this SM journey, is how to contain myself and hold my pride and joy within (instead of carrying it on my sleeve), so as to respect Hannah's wishes.

Hannah made it through the song list and by the last song she started joining in on the hand motions to the song! She was actually doing the motions! This was very exciting to see, as this is one of those baby steps you learn to appreciate big time as a SM parent. I look for mouth movement, but she is not there yet....nope, we are only getting hand motions today and that is OK.

Hannah leaves the riser and takes her seat again. I burst with pride in both my children......I am proud of Jake's ease at which he stands on stage, performs effortlessly and confidently. I am proud of Hannah for taking the stage and standing there amidst anxiousness that consumes her insides to the point of taking her voice from her. I am proud of her bravery and for her taking a risk in doing her hand motions today. I will tell her how proud I am of her, but not until bedtime when no one else is around because that is how she prefers it.

As I listen to the postlude song "Silent Night" I am taken in a whole new way by the words.

Silent Night, Holy Night, All is Calm, All is Bright

I close my eyes and go within. A sense of calm and peace takes over.

When I think of Hannah and I think of her "situational silence" it often breaks my heart. However, when I hear this song and these words, it brings me comfort. All is Calm, All is Bright. While this journey has not been easy and sometimes very painful, I have never wavered in this sense of knowing that she WILL be OK, and she has a bright future.

My friend, Karen, really summed it up best when we talked recently- she told me that the best thing she can do for her son (who also has SM) is to "be their cheerleader, whether they sit next to you, watch the other children sing, or stand on the risers and sing away themselves. Let them know you will always be the one that understands them and will lovingly be there to give them a push or place to rest." Beautifully said Karen!

Silent Night, Holy Night, All is Calm, All is Bright!

Human Connection

Human Connection- is there anything more powerful? I think not.

I set out this weekend to visit my grandmother,Mimi, who lives in Baltimore. She will turn 93 years old on December 17th. She was recently hospitilized, the first time she has been in a hospital since her children were born! My whole life Mimi has been the picture of health and an independent, on the go lady. She rarely sits still and prefers it that way. I knew I had to visit her so that we could share some 1:1 time together and connect. This weekend reminded me (again) of the value in just sitting together- whether there is conversation or not- and how powerful that human connection is. Mimi and I chatted, reminisced, laughed and also had a battle of wills about who was actually taking care of who while I was there. Mimi is one of a kind--How very fortunate I am to have had this time to connect.

This weekend I also had the opportunity to meet my 1st interviewee for my book on Selective Mutism. Talk about powerful human connection. We met for the first time at diner in Annapolis, Maryland. We had only talked via email prior to our meeting. Neither of us knew what to expect and I know I was a little anxious about how things would go. My first inclination was to give her a hug when we met, as I felt like we already had an unspoken bond in having SM kids and this shared experience. We proceeded to talk for over 3 hours and had I not had to leave to catch my flight, I imagine we could have stayed there all day talking. Another reason to be grateful- having had this opportunity to connect in person and hear her family's unique and inspiring journey with SM.

Finally, today I was doing my 'usual' run to Target and had another connecting moment. I was looking at some Christmas decorations and came across something that made me smile- a Star Wars Yoda tree topper- no lie, you could actually top your tree with a Yoda that lit up....what a riot! I was partially amused and partially horrified about putting something like this on top of my Christmas tree. As I stood there, having this internal struggle in my head, I let out a few chuckles. A young man, who looked to be about thirty-something, was in the same aisle and turned and looked at me. A little embarrassed that I was making a "scene", I quickly explained, "I was just laughing over this tree topper- what will they think of next - my 5 year old son would LOVE this and I was thinking about the joy on his face if I were to bring it home." I was about to look away and move on with my shopping when I noticed the expression on the man's face quickly change- his eyes suddenly filled up and he went on to tell me,"this is my first Christmas without my Mom.....and it is really hard"...and he kept repeating "it is really hard." It really touched me and I told him how sorry I was and that I could imagine that it was a difficult time for him. In that instant, our existance as total strangers diminshed by light speed, and suddenly we were two human beings having a connecting moment. The man took a deep breath and a big swallow, so as to pull himself together and said, "my name is Todd", as if he felt compelled to share his name after sharing such a personal moment with me.....I reciprocated and said my name and then there was a moment of silence and quiet understanding and Todd said goodbye. In that moment of silence all I could do is look him in the eyes and tell him how sorry I was and hoped that the small gesture was enough.

Human connection is a powerful thing. Connecting with other people is what gives us meaning to our lives. I am grateful for all my connections this week--they are not only gifts but reminders of how blessed I am and how small gestures make a difference. I hope that in the hectic season we can all be on the lookout for ways to connect with family, friends AND strangers by being truly present and aware of their needs.

Great book to get you in the spirit of Connecting and Giving:

"29 Gifts" by Cami Walker

www.29Gifts.org

The Art of Just Being There

I have been spending alot of energy this week thinking about a friend of mine, LeeAnn. LeeAnn has been battling a serious illness since this summer and is still in the midst of unknowns, treatments, and alot of "what ifs?" While she appears to look normal and for the most part, feels good, her insides are in the fight of their life, battling against cancer. I have called, visited and sent notes, but yet I can't get her out of my mind and wonder what more I could do.....I feel so helpless and so unsure of what she needs during this uncertain time.

A brief word about how LeeAnn and I met: About 4 years ago we were brought together by our daughters who became friends in preschool. Hayley was not your average preschooler- she was more like an angel- in my eyes......for she offered friendship to Hannah during some of the most difficult years (ages 3-4) of Hannah's Selective Mutism. She accepted Hannah, despite her silence, and was her friend in such a pure, unconditional way. I can still picture the two of them sitting silently next to one another, working on art projects and coloring. Hayley accepted my child, who didn't say a word out loud, laugh at her jokes, or respond to her questions. Hayley sat with Hannah and had no expectations. Hayley didn't leave her side to go off with other preschoolers who did talk. Hayley was an unconditional friend when Hannah needed one most. I will always hold a special place in my heart for Hayley. (note: picture of Hannah and Hayley was taken this year- side by side at the art table!)

After preschool, the girls remained in touch through play dates, birthday parties and swim lessons. LeeAnn was always such a good listener and so supportive through those early years of us getting to know Selective Mutism. She also shared in our excitement as Hannah began speaking with Hayley and her family. She couldn't wait to tell me how Hannah was talking her ear off at Hayley's birthday party this year-- something Hannah had never been able to do through the years (birthday parties are very tough for SM kids).

So as I sit here wondering what I can possibly do to support LeeAnn in her time of need, I think of what Hayley did for Hannah. I find it ironic that in searching for how I can best help LeeAnn, I find my answer in how her daughter treated mine.

Looking back on Hayley and Hannah's friendship has helped me see what is truly important: just being there, unconditionally. It reminded me not to get caught up in whether I am giving enough in the material sense of the word (meals, cards, flowers)- but rather am I giving Leeann my time without expectation or trepidation of doing or saying the wrong thing. I need to focus on the art of just being there, just as Hayley was for Hannah.

I believe that the universe has a timing and purpose to everything. Just as it was Hayley's time to offer a hand to Hannah and sit in silence with her, it is now my time to sit in silence with LeeAnn and just be. I may not know the right thing to say or do, but just my presence by her side may be enough.

Please keep LeeAnn in your thoughts and prayers and count your blessings for friends like Hayley.

A picture is worth a thousand words

Pictures have always played a big role in my family's life. My Grandpa was an avid photographer and had a collection of albums that were among his most prized possessions. I can still see him, clear as day, walking towards me with his camera strung around his neck, ready to capture one of our sports highlights, team pictures, shots with friends and family. We often teased him about his hobby (especially when he would send his film through the mail because it was a whole $1.50 cheaper than bringing it to the store). He didn't always get the best shots, but he did have a knack of knowing every individual's name in the pictures and keeping an organized album.

My Grandpa passed this hobby on to my Mom. You can always count on my Mom to have her camera with her and she develops the film as fast as she takes the pictures (this is where she differs from my Grandpa). Perhaps her favorite thing about taking photos is taking her pictures and turning them into personalized gifts, keepsakes or as a gesture to share memories with her friends and family. I really admire her keen sense of knowing what pictures tell the best story or represent the true character of a person.

So, it shouldn't have surprised me when my Mom recently made copies of Hannah's school pictures from her preschool photos all the way through her current second grade photo. She put the pictures side by side and commented on how the pictures really showed Hannah's story-- the progress she has made on her journey with SM. As we looked at the photos lined up together, it was almost like looking at one of those cartoon books where if you flip each page fast enough, it looks as though the character is actually moving. The variation in Hannah's pictures reminded me of this.

After my Mom left, I realized it was hard for me to look back at Hannah's earliest school photos-- they bring back a flood of memories of our early years of trying to understand and figure out what was going on with Hannah. They make me melancholy and a little sad to think of her looking back on these photos some day and wondering why she looked so sad.

For those of you who are not as familiar with Selective Mutism- children with SM often have trouble making eye contact and/or smiling for a photo (especially if they do not know the picture taker or if they are in one of the environments they are uncomfortable in). For Hannah, school was and still is the environment in which she struggles most and, therefore, any pictures taken in those early years were non-smiling ones.

As my eyes traveled to that first preschool picture, I immediately went back in time to that day-- I remember it well-- Hannah all dressed up in a cute red and white Scottie dog outfit with a white bow in her hair- the photographer posed her and had her sitting there on a chair. "Smile!" said the photographer. When Hannah didn't respond, the photographer pulled out his bag of tricks and tried endlessly to get her to respond/giggle/smile. Hannah sat stone faced, her lips frozen shut and not a hint of a smile....even her pretty blue eyes sat expressionless. The photographer turned to me and shrugged his shoulders as if to say, "are we done?" and I simply smiled and shook my head and said "I think we are." I left that photo shoot deflated and mystified at how my precious little three year old, the one who was so spunky, observant and cheerful at home and when she was with family and friends, could sit so solemnly and be so expressionless. I was sad that her very first school picture would be one in which she looked unhappy and anxious.

As hard as it is to look at some of Hannah's earliest school pictures, they are a part of her story and demonstrate how far she has come. After the major breakthrough we had this summer, I am happy to report that Hannah smiled for the first time ever in a school picture this year (her second grade picture)! I believe that this picture will be forever remembered by all of us closest to Hannah as the "breakthrough" year for her. Her smile this year reflects the hurdles she has overcome and the progress she continues to make on a daily basis. This smile lets her spirit shine through and expresses that she is finally ready to let the outside world in. I could not be prouder of her than I am when I look at this picture.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

A fresh perspective on strengths

Today I had an aha moment that brought fresh perspective- a new way of looking at things.

I was meeting with my old boss from BBY today for coffee. We had not seen one another for 8 years! We were giving updates on what we have been doing since we had last worked and seen one another. We dished on old colleagues, personal and professional successes & challenges and spent a few minutes sharing some of our 'passions' (I am expecting my friend to buy an easel by the next time I see her!)

In reflecting on our time together in the corporate world, I shared that I always felt a little out of place in that setting because my strengths leaned toward soft skills. I have always been a 'people person' and commended on skills like empathy, positivity, harmony, good communicator, and a relationship builder. However, it wasn't long in the corporate world before I figured out that these skills don't always get the same attention or are not as valued as the gal/guy in the cube next to me who was a hard hitting, unemotional and results driven person. I do not intend to offend any corporate people out there--and surely there are people with soft skills that do very well and are highly regarded in the corporate world.....however, FOR ME, hindsight has taught me that I am better suited for a smaller organization and one that is in absolute alignment with my values.

Today the realization hit me that had it not been for these soft skill gifts that God gave me, I might not have been as well equipped to help Hannah with her Selective Mutism. The very skills that come naturally to me are what have carried me through this journey.

I remember this one conversation I had with my "strengths coach" while at a training years ago-- she said that empathy might not be what brings me great success in my current job BUT it will serve me very well on a personal level and especially as a mom (I was pregnant at the time with Hannah)- what this coach gave me was a new way of looking at the situation- a fresh perspective.

So, I got to thinking........ what would a job description look like for an SM mom?

Something like this-

This job is full time with no pay and lots of overtime. You will be compensated and rewarded in the way of progress made by your child. This progress will not happen overnight, yet in baby steps, and only you will understand just how BIG those baby steps are. You must be observant and notice each gain and praise- and be sure to include your child in deciding how they like to get praised. You must be able to rally your whole family to support this child unconditionally and keep them in the loop on setbacks and successes.

Must be able to deal with ambiguity. No two days will be alike in this job- patience, empathy and compassion are a must. This person must have good organizational skills and attention to detail- this job entails coordination efforts between parents (to educate on SM and schedule playdates), school, (for meetings about IEP's and 504's)the community (educating coaches, Sunday School teachers, waitresses, etc), thus making strong written and interpersonal skills a must.

This person must be passionate about advocacy and with that, have the ability to influence others. May be called on to present information to the school and/or SM support groups. Must be strong in their convictions and able to withstand push back from school. Will be expected to advise school personnel and consult with therapists for best treatment approach. Must be proficient in Microsoft word and Internet savvy as to best document progress and research current SM data. Also must be creative in developing goals and rewards that motivate SM child to make progress.

I have a grateful heart that my mark in the world so far is tackling this issue of Selective Mutism. I will not take credit for getting Hannah through this-- as SHE is doing the hard work-- and we have been blessed in having supportive family, friends and now expert therapists. However, I am grateful that some of the things that come naturally to me are the very things that have helped us on this journey.

I may not have climbed the corporate ladder, but I have climbed alongside Hannah and am confident we will reach the top together. In the end there will be no greater accolade, recognition or reward than seeing her spread her wings and fly, her spirit and voice as one.

What about you? How have you used some of your strengths to help you on your journey with SM or other challenges thrown at you in life?

For more about StrengthFinder I referred to above: http://gmj.gallup.com/content/102310/clifton-strengthfinder-book-center.aspx

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world"(author unknown). One of my favorite quotes.

Just Write

Just Write

The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium. ~Norbet Platt


Writing a note the good old fashioned way, by pen and paper seems like it is a lost art these days. With texting, emailing, instant messaging, blogging and the like, the need for a pen and paper has become almost obsolete. I find myself teetering between wanting to send a quick note and get immediate response or taking the time to sit down and pull out some paper and pen and actually put a stamp on the envelope and send it in the mail......the process seems rather tedious now, doesn't it?

But when I start feeling lazy, I think of notes I have sent or received that have been most meaningful in my life- the ones I cherish- and those are more often than not, the notes someone has sat down and taken a few moments to write by hand.

For me, some of the most meaningful notes were from my mom. She would often write a little note and put on my pillow when I was needing some encouragement- she had a knack for knowing just when I needed a lift (and still does). Even though my mom will be the first to admit she has awful handwriting, I always found immediate comfort in her notes before I even read them, because I knew this half shorthand/half normal handwriting was an extension of her. I felt this same way when I would receive notes from my grandpa, who was fond of sending letters the "old fashioned" way too. For years we would send notes through the mail and I looked as forward to them when I was in college as I did when I was 8 years old. I enjoyed the predictability of the narrative- an update on what my grandparents were doing, then usually a brief account of something new they tried or interesting they learned, and finally a future oriented statement about "next time you visit we will do this....."-- and always a final statement like "remember to smile". I miss receiving these letters.

To that end, I am intrigued by a "revolution" that my friend Missy has embarked on. She has committed to sending 50 letters in 50 days to people that have impacted her in her life. Not only does she call out that they were impactful, but perhaps more importantly she calls out why and/or how they impacted or made a difference in her life. To learn more about her story go to: http://www.50letters.com/ I am so inspired by her efforts to spread positivity!

While I am on the topic of letter writing, I could not go on without mentioning my dear friend, Michelle. Michelle is another believer in the power of positivity. She has enbarked on a journey to enhance relationships through letter writing/story telling......so she has created a personalized children's book that weaves a letter that you or I would write into a story that she has created and this in turns creates a very special keepsake book for a special child in your life. My kids love to read and reread their stories that have a special letter written to them from me at the end of the story. Check it out: http://www.memoirofme.com/index.asp

Ok, so how does all this letter writing apply to our SM journey?

There have been many impactful people along our journey with Selective Mutism. In writing this, I am already starting a mental list of those people who I want to sit down and write a note to--to tell them how they impacted me, Hannah and/or our family by the words, their encouragement or sometimes by offering another perspective or approach.

The list goes something like this (if your name is on it, well expect a letter soon):


1. woman who first gave me a name for what Hannah was going through (Selective Mutism)

2. fitness instructor who said her niece has same thing and I should talk to her sister in law

3. mom of SM child in Hannah's school who has taught me so much and been such a great friend

4. my book club and countless girlfriends who has listened and offered encouragment through all of ups and downs, joys and concerns

5. Hannah's BFF, Alyssa, who has been her best friend since they were 18 months and who continues to inspire her to break free from her shell and is her lucky charm

6. my family who may not always understand what it is like, but always supports, encourages and loves us unconditionally


7. my friend from SMG org who has listened, offered advice, shared wisdom and understanding


8. countless adults- teachers, childcare, neighbors who are patient and caring


9. hubby for trusting that my research methods are reputable and standing by me through all our efforts to help Hannah


10. Hannah-- how could I not thank her for being patient with me as I learn and help her figure all this out

The list goes on and on and on........................too many to count.

My challenge to you is to take the time to start your list- who has impacted you on this SM journey? Who has supported you- pushed you when you needed pushing, motivating- who gave you valuable insight or tips and who has supported you unconditionally? Write these people. Write other important people in your life. Tell them they made a difference- tell them why or how they made a difference- JUST WRITE!

Persistence Pays Off

Persistence Pays Off

Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “Press On” has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.- Calvin Coolidge

I have often marveled at my daughter's persistence. When she sets her mind to do something she is relentless in moving toward that end. She plows forward, determined with all her might, to accomplish her mission or get the desired result she is looking for. Whether it is something as simple as wanting a snack or to play with a friend or something more complex like mastering the monkey bars, piano or math problems, she is tenacious in learning and getting her desired outcome

I have been known to sometimes get frustrated by H's gift of persistence. "She is relentless!" I tell my husband after a long battle over why she can't play with her best friend whom she has already had a sleepover and all day playfest. But all the while I secretly marvel and burst with pride at this quality she possesses because truth be told, I admire it. I know that as her life progresses this quality will take her far. She may annoy or frustrate some people along the way, but her persistence is going to take her places, solve complex problems and more importantly give her strength to live her life, her way and on her terms. Persistence is one of the qualities that have driven great leaders, thinkers, artists and the like for centuries.

When Persistence Pays Off........Notes from our Selective Mutism Journey

So, you probably get where this is going- the apple doesn't fall from the tree, right? Yes, I am definitely persistent with a capitol P. Persistence has a huge driving force behind figuring out SM and how to help H. I have researched, networked, read, asked questions, attended conferences, meetings, sought out professional help from therapists, prayed and the list goes on....all in effort to help H get rid of her silence. I am absolutely convinced that with persistence and patience we will get there.

After 4 years on this journey, we have made strides, but not at the pace we want. H is still not speaking out loud in school and various other social situations, including with the therapist we were spending major bucks on.

"Whoever said anybody has a right to give up?" -Marian Wright Edleman

What is a persistent person to do next? It felt like we had explored almost all avenues-- but then, our big, big break!! This summer H and I went to the Selective Mutism conference in Anaheim, CA. Upon hearing one of the presenters (Dr. K from New York University Child Study Center) speak about a controversial new approach to treating SM, my ears perked up. This approach focused more on getting the SM child to speak sooner than later- otherwise known as behavioral therapy. This approach is deemed to be rather controversial because much of the literature out there on Selective Mutism suggests that putting emphasis on the speaking puts more pressure on them, thus making it harder for them to speak. There are also many who believe it is more important to get at the root issue of anxiety before getting them to speak. This is the approach may work for some, but in H's case this approach was not working.

Upon returning from the conference I had a gut feeling that Dr. K was onto something. Controversial or not, I had made up my mind that we were going to try this new approach. After several follow up discussions with Dr. K he suggested that we try a one week intensive therapy session right here in our community. He highly recommended a therapist who had success applying the behavioral therapy to several other SM kids. She was willing to fly out here to stay for the week and work with H for 5-6 hours/day.

The week prior to school we started therapy. Every day the therapist worked with H, our family, her friends, out in the community and with school staff to guide H to slowly change her behavior--- initially she worked with H to stop nodding her head to actually verbally saying yes or no out loud. The therapist worked with H to initiate questions in the community (another common struggle for SM kids) and worked with H to plan her day and know what to expect so there were no surprises (something SM kids are not fond of). All of this work was done in a gradual, fading in process and following H's lead. The week was very intense for us all, but the amazing thing is that H rose to every challenge presented this week, which boosted her confidence and really showed her what she is capable of doing.

"Arriving at one point is the starting point to another." -John Dewey

Certainly Hannah is not 'cured' because of this intensive therapy-- but it is a new starting point for us. Now we know that H is capable of speaking when given the opportunity (and not enabled) and the right tools/incentives. Having gone through this intensive training, it renewed my sense of hope and faith that Hannah will make it through all of this. For Hannah, she got a good glimpse at what it feels like to have her world open up and let more people see her true self and hear her beautiful voice.

A good reminder that.....Persistence pays off.

For more about Dr. K and SM treatment go to:

http://www.aboutourkids.org/files/articles/fall2007.pdf

Looking on the brightside has its advantages

Sometimes looking on the bright side seems so cliche. I mean, sometimes I just want to feel down, disappointed, frustrated or hopeless....that is part human, part hormonal I think. But many times it is also just plain EASIER to feel 'down'. It is much harder to make a choice to be happy and positive!

My grandma (who is a very healthy 92 year old) is a perfect role model for the value in positive thinking. Raised as a Christian Scientist (not to be confused with Tom Cruise's Scientology), she has led a life that emulates the power of positive thinking ("Christian Scientists believe in the saving, healing power of God’s love—that no one is beyond redemption, that no problem is too entrenched or overwhelming to be addressed and healed"). She finds the best in every situation, no matter how dire or overwhelming and rarely has a negative thing to say about anything or anyone. She has a strong faith and belief that everything that happens serves a purpose and with positivity and faith, you will carry through stronger in the end. I firmly believe that this positivity has contributed to her happiness and over all well being through her life. When I think of someone who is truly APPRECIATIVE in every sense of the word, I think of her.

Some say that just one minute of INTENSE APPRECIATION overrides thousands of hours spent in "poor me", victim mode. This is certainly not a new concept, however, one of those things that requires constant practice and attention-- Susan Jeffers says "we have been taught to believe that negative equals realistic and positive equals unrealistic."

Looking on the bright side of Selective Mutism.......

Certainly there have been times in the last few years since Hannah's SM diagnosis that I have been down, sad, frustrated "why me?", "why her?" mode. when you are dreaming about your child's future you are not dreaming of your child in a classroom full of peers who literally can't get the words out or your child on the sidelines of a soccer field, clutching you so tight that you can't move a muscle yourself or a child frozen in fear at the sight of Santa or a birthday party......the list goes on.

I have to admit, it was not until recently that I have started looking on the bright side of Selective Mutism. I decided to look at this situation from a different angle- look at the bright side of Selective Mutism.

To that end, I jotted down a list of what I am grateful to have gained so far in our journey with SM:

1. persistence/ perseverance "we will get through this together"
2. patience (insert many, many deep breaths here-- any parent knows just how much patience you need in those 'moments' with our SM kids)
3. compassion (we ALL have our fears/struggles or things we are not as good at)
4. confidence (letting go of others opinions/judgements of us)
5. advocacy (speaking up on Hannah's behalf and in her best interest at school and in community)
6. goal setting (critical to making progress......brings me back to Corporate HR days of creating SMART goals --specific, measurable, actionable,realistic,timely)

I believe so strongly that Hannah are I are learning these things TOGETHER and will undoubtedly be stronger and wiser after going through what she has in her younger years. While no child should ever have to suffer in silence, it is a comfort to know that Hannah's experience dealing with SM, has already helped so many others take a look at themselves and what is holding them back (their own anxieties/finding their voice/etc.). If we expect her to be brave, then we should also come to expect the same for ourselves- challenge and stretch ourselves to overcome fears/anxieties.

Once you are on the bright side......
Many of you have heard about the concept of a GRATEFUL JOURNAL and maybe even kept one yourself. One night I talked to Hannah about my own journals, and how writing down everything I am grateful for/appreciate makes me feel so good. Her first two pages were amazing and so touching to read what she was thankful for.....perhaps Hannah's few seconds at night, writing in her journal, will help her stay on the bright side of things.

Looking on the bright side has its advantages. What will you find on the bright side? You won't know unless you practice and try going there. What have you learned from your experience with an SM child or from other challenges in your life? How can you take these learning's and help your SM child see the POSITIVE side of what they are going through. How do you model positive thinking for your child and/or loved ones?

Sixteen seconds to save the world

I was listening to a Justin Timberlake song the other day "4 minutes"- where he sings with Madonna and ultimately states it "only takes 4 minutes to save the world." Only 4 minutes? And, how exactly would Justin and Madonna propose saving the world? Just curious.

Then, as the universe often does, it brought to my attention another interesting theory, except this one said "it only takes 16 seconds to change the world". Well, maybe it didn't promise "saving the world" but I took the leap as I read it. Let me explain why: in the book "Excuse Me Your Life is Waiting", it suggested that when it comes to creating good energy it takes a mere sixteen seconds to link up vibrationally to whatever it is you are focused on- whether it be good or bad, negative or positive--therefore assuming each of us is in control of the string of emotions we both put out and receive.....the good old Law of Attraction theory.

If this is true, couldn't a leap be made that in 16 seconds we could save the world- that is, if everyone of us realized our own power and used it for good? The potential result-- alot less negative/draining/unhappy energy sucker people out there and way more positive, light, purposeful and happy people in the world- all because people chose to be in control of their thinking and thought patterns.


How can we take this information and apply it to our SM Kids?

In thinking about this more, I wondered why I had not shared these thoughts with Hannah? The power of positive thinking and being in control of our thoughts--- what a seq way to what we are trying to help our daughter, Hannah, who has Selective Mutism. So, we had an "affirmation party" and we came up with new saying - "it will be fine in nine"- we count to nine and take a deep breath. This saying stuck- as any good rhyme will. We posted other affirmations around our house-- as a reminder that WE are all in charge of our thoughts. We also talk with the kids about the fact that they are not alone in working on their thought patterns- even adults have to work at positive thinking and reframing thoughts. I believe talking and being honest about our own struggles and HOW WE OVERCOME them is one of the more powerful ways to help our SM kids.

We can also apply the fact that what we feel is what we attract. I would venture to say that one of our biggest tasks is to convince our kids that they can overcome their unwritten rules (I can't talk to people from school or I can't talk to my family about SM) or unruly thoughts (I don't want everyone to notice me or I CAN'T talk at school, what if I say something stupid?)....But what if we helped our kids reframe this thinking-- help them see the way the feel is what they will attract. We know our SM kids are very bright and perceptive- maybe having examples of replacement language (" I am brave, I am strong, I am confident") and actually visualizing and feeling it would be a step in the right direction.

While we can speak up and for our SM kids as needed, we CAN'T get inside their heads and battle these thought patterns ourselves-- however, WE CAN do our best to model and create dialogue around positive thinking-- law of attraction-- being in control of thoughts.

I challenge you this week to come up with your own rhyme, saying, affirmation and post it where everyone can see it. AND this week I challenge all of us- to catch yourself in your own negative thinking (before the thought goes past 16 seconds) and change it! Model this for your SM kid, talk about it, live it.

A Good Read: "Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting" by Lynn Grabhorn

Finding our voices

After venting to a friend recently about my frustrations with not being able to articulate my thoughts out loud -- she turned to me wisely and said "You just need to find your voice."

Finding your own voice is a universal longing. Who doesn't want that sense of being secure in themselves and what their mission is in life and then be able to articulate to the world? For as long as I can remember, this has been my dream- to understand and take hold of my strengths, use them for good, and put them out there confidently and make a difference in this world.

For me, finding my own voice has been 34 years in the making. Knowing who I am and what my strengths are was the easy part-- however, articulating out loud and confidently has proved more difficult. Through the years I would tentatively put my voice out there and then I would quickly dismiss it and/or hide it for fear of what others thought.

Who would have guessed that the very thing that brought me out of my own shell- the very thing that it took for me to rid my own silence/ get my voice out there would be my own daugher who is suffering herself from finding her own voice, but in her case, her struggle with finding her voice is in the literal sense.

Our first born, Hannah, was perfect. For the first few years of her life, she did everything early- she walked by 8 months old, she talked early, was so observant, so quick to learn, curious and absorbed everything. Hannah was also very shy to warm up to new people/ new situations. As she entered preschool, we began to discover that her anxiousness was more than just being shy. After going through preschool without speaking out loud to friends/teachers the entire year, we understood we were dealing with something different and we began to investigate.

Around the age of 4 Hannah was diagnosed with Selective Mutism, a social communicative anxiety disorder. It has been said that those who suffer from Selective Mutism want to speak, but literally can't get the words out......they can't find their voice.

Like any good parent would do, I immediately went into research mode- read, reached out to experts and other parents with SM kids, advocated at school and did everything I could to set Hannah up for success. With this, I have experienced the plethera of emotions that come with having a child with any kind of disorder-- sadness, frustration, disapointment, anger, and so on. However, with the hard emotions, I have also had this faith that Hannah was given to us because we can handle it and somehow we would figure this out.

Hannah is now 7 years old and she has taught our family so much. I find it ironic that in Hannah's silence, it has actually ridded mine--- her Selective Mutism has made me become a strong advocate for her, sometimes putting me in a position where I have to be tough and throw what people think of me out the window-- it has made me become a subject matter expert--something that has been tough for me (I get restless easy and this is a subject I am dedicated to learning inside and out), and this experience has inspired me to do what I have always wanted, which is write and hopefully make a difference.

A wise person told me that when you write you can't think too much about what you are writing or you get hung up on details. So, to that end, I will wrap up with this: no matter your age, your hesitation, your reason for not finding your true voice, you are welcome here.