Silent Night

This Sunday was the Christmas program at our church. Both Hannah and Jake were set to perform in the program and knew what was expected of them. Christmas outfits were ready to go and we were out the door to the 10:30 service.

There was a buzz and excitement in the air as families gathered to take their places-- waiting to see their little ones perform the once a year Christmas show. Pastor G had to ask for everyone to "let go of their personal space" so as to fit everyone in the pews. There was almost a collective sigh in the crowd as everyone found their seats, turned their phones off and got their cameras ready.

Jake was the first to perform, he went up with the other Kindergartners. He sang his songs, did the hand motions, and being that this was his second 'performance' this week, he appeared to go through the motions quite effortlessly. He came back to the pew without a care in the world and waited for his sister to take the stage.


Hannah walked up to the stage. She took her spot on the end of the first riser. Her body was stiff and she shifted, noticeably not at ease, with the several hundred people in the audience.....but she did take the stage! She looked so beautiful in her red sweater, silver skirt and freshly combed hair. As I looked at her, I found myself thinking of how one of the first things I noticed about Hannah as a baby was her beautifully shaped lips. As I look at her lips this morning, I notice they are clenched tight, a sure sign her anxiety has kicked in and will hold her voice hostage until the performance is over.

I catch Hannah's eye and want to wave my hands back and forth like all the other parents but I catch myself and stop-- yes, she wants to know where we are in the audience, but no, she does not want me calling attention to ourselves and certainly not to her. I go back to the day in preschool Hannah pulled me aside and said (prior to her first show there) "mommy- can you please sit in the back and please don't watch me, OK?") This goes against all instincts as a proud mother-- I want to sit up front and center, smile, wave and cheer her on. If there is one thing I have had to learn on this SM journey, is how to contain myself and hold my pride and joy within (instead of carrying it on my sleeve), so as to respect Hannah's wishes.

Hannah made it through the song list and by the last song she started joining in on the hand motions to the song! She was actually doing the motions! This was very exciting to see, as this is one of those baby steps you learn to appreciate big time as a SM parent. I look for mouth movement, but she is not there yet....nope, we are only getting hand motions today and that is OK.

Hannah leaves the riser and takes her seat again. I burst with pride in both my children......I am proud of Jake's ease at which he stands on stage, performs effortlessly and confidently. I am proud of Hannah for taking the stage and standing there amidst anxiousness that consumes her insides to the point of taking her voice from her. I am proud of her bravery and for her taking a risk in doing her hand motions today. I will tell her how proud I am of her, but not until bedtime when no one else is around because that is how she prefers it.

As I listen to the postlude song "Silent Night" I am taken in a whole new way by the words.

Silent Night, Holy Night, All is Calm, All is Bright

I close my eyes and go within. A sense of calm and peace takes over.

When I think of Hannah and I think of her "situational silence" it often breaks my heart. However, when I hear this song and these words, it brings me comfort. All is Calm, All is Bright. While this journey has not been easy and sometimes very painful, I have never wavered in this sense of knowing that she WILL be OK, and she has a bright future.

My friend, Karen, really summed it up best when we talked recently- she told me that the best thing she can do for her son (who also has SM) is to "be their cheerleader, whether they sit next to you, watch the other children sing, or stand on the risers and sing away themselves. Let them know you will always be the one that understands them and will lovingly be there to give them a push or place to rest." Beautifully said Karen!

Silent Night, Holy Night, All is Calm, All is Bright!